Outcome 6
Students are able to demonstrate their development of professional orientations and identities that reflect the expectations and responsibilities of practicing teachers.
Prompt:
Articulate your growing understanding of the expectations and responsibilities of practising teachers and the concept of a professional identity. Give evidence of your engagement in ethical and collaborative relationships with your PLC, the community, and schools and identify areas for further development.
The Labyrinth
I reflected on this prompt and had difficulty pinpointing specific experiences that articulate my “growing understandings of the expectations and responsibilities of practising teachers and the concept of professional identities.” During my observations I had many opportunities to speak with teachers and gain insight on what it means to be an educator. Every teacher has had their own path that they followed that led them to where they are. I think of this path like a labyrinth. A labyrinth is not a maze, but a path to greater understanding to be experienced. There is no end as it is not linear, but as Greek philosopher Heraclitus says it is wise to consider that what may seem like an ending may also lead to a beginning.There are sharp twists and turns and there are long peaceful stretches. Sometimes you may pass others along the way. They may cross your path or seem close to the path you are on but be somewhere else entirely. You are never lost, but you don’t quite know what lies ahead. Sometimes you may be reluctant or feel like you’re back at the start, and sometimes you may be confident and feel close to the centre. I feel like in my orientation of professionalism I can compare my current and future understandings to a labyrinth. I will have difficulties matched with success. I will meet people along the way in different moments in my journey who I will be in relation with and learn from. But most importantly, the path never finishes. I will never reach an ending or feel complete. I can reach a centre. To me the centre of a labyrinth represents fulfilment, understanding, and inner peace. The more you walk and reflect, the more time you will spend finding this centre again and again. Knowing that my path will be filled with new experiences, new relationships, and new understanding fulfils me and makes me realize the responsibility I have to keep learning and growing. I will never reach a point that I feel like I’ve solved the puzzle of education and know all there is to know. In one of our PLC meetings, students were asked to draw pictures in response to the PDP goals. Many of these goal related to this notion on continuous learning and growing. Something that stood out to me in Goal 2 was “the ability to form and reform ideas,” and one of the drawings reflect a person growing and forming new and complex ideas. And likewise in Goal 1, there must be a clear and justified view of education that “continually and consciously reshapes through experiences with a variety of learners in a range of socio-cultural context.” I love the cyclical diagrams that represent many ways of life that are interconnected, and like the labyrinth these cycles are non-linear with no stop and starting point. The goals also highlight ethical and collaborative relationships with all members of the community. I really appreciate the drawing that represents the community we saw in one of our large group seminars. It represents Indigenous communities and their relations. Each group needs and relies on each other - the children, parents, elders, and warriors. It is comforting to know that no one is truly ever alone in their journey. All of these goals and images inspired by the goals do not have “outcomes” or “expectations” but rather ideas to explore, challenges to strive for, and continuous learning. Nothing, not even a professional path, is ever complete. Being a teacher is more than just a job from 9-5. This semester has taught me that being a teacher is exactly that - a being, a way of life that is not separate from who you are. For myself being a teacher defines the path I take in all aspects of my life.
BCMEA Conference
During my second guided observation I was required to attend a professional development workshop. I had already been planning to attend the BC Music Educator’s Association conference since the summer, and I feel it was fate that it just so happened to be on the Pro-D Day during our observation weeks. After the conference I wrote a blog post on my website about my experiences and my anxieties. I have copied some excerpts below so I can revisit these thoughts a month later and reflect with a different mindset.
Excerpts from “Reflections on my first BCMEA conference”
Posted November 4, 2019
My first workshop was hard to find. It was in a separate building to the main conference centre and this being my first time, I had no idea where to go. I asked some people who seemed like experienced conference attendees, but they couldn’t guide me to the building. Being anxious about walking in late, I joined the “Secondary Choral Reading Session”. I was exhausted from waking up before 6 am, hungry from not having breakfast, and anxious from driving in unfamiliar territory in high winds and rain. I had zero energy and brain capacity to sing. Honestly, I was embarrassed that I couldn’t sing to the best of my ability, my sight-reading skills were way lower than normal and I felt like I didn’t deserve to be at this conference. I felt like I wasn’t old enough or skilled enough compared to these educators who have been teaching for years. This anxiety rose in me many times throughout this conference; the feeling of imposter syndrome, the nervousness of not knowing anyone, but I kept reminding myself that I am a student teacher and this anxiety is to be expected . . . I am okay with the anxiety I felt at the conference, it made me aware that I really care about this profession and the image I have as myself as a music educator. I know that in conferences to come I will have less anxiety once I am familiar with how things operate and who these strangers are, therefore I will be willing to put myself in more vulnerable positions to learn and grow. I am still proud of how much I have learned and grown from attending this conference despite choosing workshops that were not as active.
That leads me to evaluate why I chose the workshops that I did. I chose topics that were more research and discussion-based, and not active musicking or participatory workshops . . . Most of the lectures I chose to attend were based on Indigenous perspectives and alternate worldview than the Western epistemology . . . I had such a joyful music making experience at Brian Tate’s “Choral Roots and Rhythms: From African to Gospel”. It brought me back to singing in the White Rock Children’s Choir with Sarona Mynhardt, who hails from South Africa and taught her singers a myriad of African and gospel pieces. I remembered how good it felt to sing African music and this workshop reminded me and expanded on the different teaching and learning styles of music from multiple African perspectives . . . While at home thinking about why I chose the workshops I chose, I realized that I was more concerned about becoming an educator rather than a conductor, which I had previously been concerned with. I realize I still need to work on my conducting skills and technique, but I question whether students would appreciate a good technical conductor or a holistic teacher who creates an inclusive and safe environment and considers my student’s views and perspectives over teaching music theory.
This weekend gave me a lot to think about, I was furiously writing during the breaks in the Starbucks in the lobby. Partly because I had no one to talk to, but that in itself was a reminder to talk some time to be alone and reflect. It refuelled my interest in academia and making space in education for multiple perspectives and worldviews. I did end up making a friend (at the buffet of course) because we were two individuals sat at a table together by the hosts of the buffet. It was serendipitous because we had so much in common other than being music educators. We clicked right away and it made my second day so much better knowing that I had someone who was in a similar place as me, being a nervous university student but also having these high hopes and deep passions for pursuing music education. My discussions with this new friend reassured me of my place and purpose at this conference, and I’m looking forward to my professional development as an educator in years to come and the connections and friends I’ll make along the way.
After reading my blog post back and selecting certain excerpts, a few learning themes stood out to me.
Be comfortable in your anxiety
I wrote a lot about how anxious I was and how I felt like I did not deserve to be at this conference. I used to beat myself up over feeling this way but now I have reframed my look on being anxious in this context as a reaction to caring and wanting to succeed in my professional life. I know that as time goes on the negative parts of anxiety will likely decrease, but I always want that feeling of excitement and I want to push myself to take more risks. I played it quite safe this year as it was my first BCMEA conference, but I learned from this experience what I should do in the future. After all, I cannot grow as an educator if I limit myself to what I am good at and comfortable with. I say at the end of the first excerpt that I am okay with being anxious. I have learned over the years that I cannot fight or resist my anxieties. I have to listen to it, figure out what it’s trying to communicate with me, and nurture it. This sounded strange when I first heard this but it truly has worked for me. A lack of anxiety could have implied apathy towards the weekend, but I had high expectations for the conference and of myself. I came to the conclusion that my anxiety was communicating with me that I cared a lot about what I do. These feelings will surely arise again and again in the PDP as a student teacher and when I become a “real” teacher. I have learned that I must continue to be comfortable with feelings of anxiety because it is here to remind me that I am passionate about what I do.
Remember why you are doing what you are doing
I had many affirming moments in the conference, but two thoughts in this reflection show that I am becoming more aware of my purpose and philosophy of education. Singing African music felt so natural, like a coming home feeling. I was not expecting so feel so joyful in this workshop. It took me by surprise, but in retrospect I shouldn’t have been surprised at all. African music is what I grew up singing, and singing it again in this workshop reminded me what I loved about choral singing - It is a whole body and spirit energy that runs through your body, out your limbs, into the earth, and into the atmosphere. It is personal and communal. I felt electric after returning to my “roots.” African music is not a part of my ethnic or cultural heritage, but it is the roots of my journey in music and what ground me in my path of becoming a music educator. I also recognized that I was very focused on education holistically rather than my conducting technique. This was a big shift in mindset for me. The past couple of years I have been focused on my conducting technique, or lack there of. I looked at people who were around my age and better conductors than me. I would get upset that I didn’t have the training and experience to be as good as I want. However, I accepted that conducting technique is not and should not be my priority as an educator. What is more important is my students. I feel that focusing too much on conducting would be selfish and take away from learning about the interests and needs of my students and community. When I reflect on my time in high school, I don’t remember what my teacher’s conducting was like, but I do remember feelings and experiences. As an educator I would rather put my efforts into fostering a safe and positive space for learning and building relationships than ensure that I have clean cues and cut-offs.
It is okay to be alone, but it is also wonderful to make friends and connections
In the past 5 years I have made a lot of wonderful connections in friendships and professional relationships, but I have also lost relationships too. I have moved every single year and have struggled accepting that making and maintaining connections is a slow process and sometimes it is the best thing to move on from a relationship. Coming into PDP was nerve-racking because I hadn’t made any friends in B.C. who were on a similar path and beginning their professional career. I had many unrealistic fears of not making any friends at all, but thankfully that was false. However, I was still nervous about the BCMEA conference because I only knew a few acquaintances. Typically I am okay with being alone, but in a setting where everyone knew each other and was socializing, I felt like a fish out of water. All the other teachers had friends they were sitting with and I was always sitting alone. I learned from this experience that I must be content with being alone while at the same time having an open heart just in case I find people I connect with. I remain optimistic about the connections I will make in the future because I have made wonderful friendships in the PDP and I did end up meeting people at the BCMEA conference who were in the same place in their like as I was. I am extremely excited to create relationships and connections with other educators in my career. For now, I must let them grow organically and not compare myself to educators who have been in the game for much longer than I have.